Conan the Barbarian: A Modern Take on a Classic
A new version of the acclaimed adventure action film has arrived.
Conan the Cimmerian (Momoa) was born for war. His parents were so hardcore that his father (Perlman) performed a C-section on his mother right in the heat of battle. The boy grew up learning to kill, but one day an army led by a necromancy-obsessed warlord (Lang) arrived and slaughtered everyone except Conan. Now, fueled by vengeance, the hulking warrior wanders the world seeking retribution.
Marcus Nispel’s film starts strong: a wild teenager with a wolfish gaze sprints through the forest, shoving aside his young tribesmen, then silently lops off the heads of some painted natives. For a moment, it seems like Schwarzenegger’s Conan will be relegated to historical context. But then come the lengthy dialogues interspersed with scenes meticulously copied from genre predecessors, and the artistic bar, once raised high, crashes down.
A Director’s Homage or a Rip-Off?
If director Nispel, a self-confessed kleptomaniac, had shown some restraint in borrowing, it wouldn’t be so bad. But he takes not just well-known scenes, but practically trademarked ones. If sand creatures rise to fight Conan, rest assured they’ll behave exactly like their counterparts from “The Mummy Returns” (2001). If the camera has to push through tall grass, the operator will inevitably choose the same angle and speed as in “Gladiator” (2000).
It’s nice when a director shares your love for “Star Wars: Episode II – Attack of the Clones” (2002), “The Lion King” (1994), “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” (2002), and “Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides” (2011) (the latter seems to be a particular favorite – besides the ship battles and the hero’s acrobatic leaps on the yardarm, we also get a giant predatory octopus). But besides these, his arsenal seems empty.
Brutality vs. Naivety
The abundance of squishing and gurgling violence is initially pleasing, but towards the end, it’s almost nullified by a childish, adventurous naivety. Yes, the old “Conan” didn’t have as many severed limbs and burnings with hot metal, but the atmosphere of unmotivated violence was there; even the main heroine was killed casually and almost accidentally. This new “Conan” is more like last year’s “Prince of Persia” with its vegetarian Disney heroism. It’s a shame to see the distinctive and memorable Conan of Jason Momoa drowning in all this nonsense.
He differs from Schwarzenegger as much as 2011 differs from 1982. The rough Austrian with a stone face looked like a real barbarian in 80s Hollywood, and that’s why he was loved. In our time, angularity is not in vogue, and his place could only be taken by a handsome man with the smile of a TV presenter and the grace of a stripper. He can still growl at a beautiful stranger, but if you ask him about the meaning of life, there won’t be a word about “crushing enemies and hearing the lamentations of their women.”