Upon sending a signal into space, humanity receives a response from “Planet G” in the form of alien ships landing in the ocean near the Hawaiian Islands. It falls to sailor Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) and his ship’s crew to step up and prevent a total invasion of Earth.
Both in concept and execution, “Battleship” is such a ludicrous action film that one can’t help but wonder if director Peter Berg is pulling our leg. Earth is endangered by scientists (boo!!). Their attempts to explore the solar system attract the attention of a fleet of malevolent space trolls with snake eyes. The American military saves the day (hip-hip hooray!!!), depicted with adoration and surrounded by so much gleaming hardware that even Michael Bay pales in comparison. From the scene of the US Navy clashing with a massive UFO, where humans appear to fire the first shots, to the torpedo-loading sequence shot in super-slow-mo accompanied by agonizing guitar riffs, “Battleship” is clearly aimed at simpletons who never part with their guns. So, could the intellectual Berg (director of “Friday Night Lights” and “The Kingdom,” and protégé of Michael Mann himself) actually be parodying blockbusters?
Sadly, everything indicates that both Berg and his film are dead serious. There’s a hint of humor at the beginning: Taylor Kitsch’s hopeless loser robs a convenience store to get a burrito for a hot girl (Brooklyn Decker). But as soon as the loser gets a short haircut and joins the battleship, the film immediately shifts course and becomes a special-effects extravaganza, its characters utterly devoid of any individuality. Perhaps this is partly due to the real-life participation of the US Navy, which not only provided ships but also sailors as extras. Every character belonging to the human race is, at the very least, a hero. The Japanese captain who joins the Yankees as atonement for Pearl Harbor, the brave veteran with metal prosthetics, the gruff admiral played by Liam Neeson, the female gunner (Rihanna) whose sole purpose is to shout “Boom!!” – they are all as memorable as soap bubbles.
The Villains
Now, about the villains. We understand that many will roll their eyes, but honestly, after “Battleship,” the character development in “Transformers” seems brilliant. The CGI aliens have no distinct faces (well, except for strange reddish beards) and no clear goals. Numerous first-person shots in the style of “Terminator” don’t help either. The action itself is insignificant in scale (abandoning Bay’s crude style, Berg failed to create any memorable episodes that could make the audience shell out money) and extremely monotonous. The camera lingers so long on slowly turning destroyers that even the seagulls seem to be checking their watches.
Final Thoughts
One can’t help but admire Berg’s efforts to adapt a board game, which, as crazy as it sounds, is the basis of the film (though perhaps credit should go to the inventors at Hasbro, the company that released it), but all these efforts have come to naught.
In one scene, a character growls, “Well, let’s see if we can give the world another day of life!” to which his comrade replies, “Listen, who talks like that?” In the film “Battleship” – everyone.