Piranha 3D: Alexandre Aja’s Gory Remake Bites Back

Horror remake specialist Alexandre Aja has reworked Joe Dante’s film into a 3D exploitation extravaganza of hurricane force. Here, busty beauties are gnawed down to their silicone, and a porn director is devoured down to his most expensive asset. And it’s not the camera.

A tectonic shift unleashes a school of hungry prehistoric piranhas from an underground lake. Almost simultaneously, a party kicks off on Lake Victoria. The main event is a wet t-shirt contest (“Dying to get wet”), which a porn director, filming his movie on a nearby yacht, is eagerly hoping to catch.

Alexandre Aja, the French director with the appearance of a Catholic saint, had lulled audience vigilance with the sluggish mystical horror “Mirrors.” Now, he returns with a triumphant and, most importantly, literal adaptation of the phrase “food for the fishes,” which now seems destined to become the defining work of his filmography.

Expectations vs. Reality

The synopsis itself hints at the nature of the spectacle in store, and any lingering doubts seemingly vanish with the appearance of Eli Roth (as the host of that very wet t-shirt contest). However, Aja still manages to exceed all audience expectations. Grinding his extras into offal with the cheerful and indifferent inventiveness of death from “Final Destination,” he himself knows no restraint, like a cinematic piranha starved on a dreary diet of remakes. So even when a three-dimensional and slightly chewed-on member of a porn director floats before your eyes – know that it’s not over yet.

Fun Facts and Trivia

• This is a remake of Joe Dante’s 1978 “Piranha.”
• The sheriff’s son is played by Steven R. McQueen – the grandson of Steve McQueen.
• Richard Dreyfuss makes a cameo appearance as Matt Hooper, the character he played in Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws.”
• The film’s budget was $24 million.
• A sequel has already been announced, with Aja set to direct.

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Aja’s Rules of Survival

Despite the seeming chaos of events, “Piranha” operates on at least one clear rule, not invented by Aja, according to which the chances of survival for bare-assed beauties are inversely proportional to the size of their breasts. For contrast, the director introduces a “human story” into the plot – about the sheriff and her teenage son. Instead of looking after his younger brother and sister, the boy goes to the director’s yacht as a guide – and there, he honorably overcomes all temptations of tequila, cocaine, and porn divas.

Morality Bites

The blood-soaked teenage morality is once again intended to excuse viewers for the depraved pleasures they received in the process. So yes, silicone doesn’t sink, but love still wins. And strippers still only survive in Rodriguez’s films.